Yesterday I got a text from my husband extending a last minute dinner invite to us from some colleague friends of ours. I texted back that it sounded fine, we had neglected to really make plans yet and I figured that sounded like a good one. But the more I thought it over, the more anxious I was feeling about going. For no particular reason really, other than I just felt like staying in with our dogs and relaxing, and painting my toenails, and generally avoiding the drinking scene. Just for a little while longer. Even though it was New Years. Normally, I would have shrugged this feeling off and forced myself to get ready and go anyway, because I wouldn’t want to seem like a party pooper and especially not on New Year’s Eve!
But normally, this sobriety thing just hasn’t worked for me for very long. And this time, I really, really want it to, so I’m going to have to do some things differently. So I asked my husband if I could just sit this one out. And he was (as he always is) totally gracious about it and it was just fine. I stayed in my safe little bubble for the night, got some quiet time in to read, paint my toenails, watch TV, and relax. At 37 years old, this is the first time I’ve ever stayed home all alone on New Year’s Eve. And it was GREAT. Seriously. I felt like I was doing something healthy for myself by resting. I enjoyed the quiet time and knowing that people were out having fun. I felt the calm satisfaction of knowing that I was making a new decision, a decision that I wouldn’t regret, and that I would wake up today feeling good.
This year, I’m going to live for the mornings. Really. It’s such a different idea for me, I’ve always been a night owl of course, since that’s when I’d relax with wine. But sober, I LOVE waking up in the morning, full of enthusiasm for the day and knowing that I have the capacity to take on whatever I want to take on.
My new year’s day is rung in quietly, and I can’t help but gloat just a tiny bit that the husband is hung over and I feel great. 🙂 Hope all of you feel great too! And that if you don’t feel great, if you are hung over but contemplating your drinking, that you read my blog… you’ll see a whole year of starts and stops, and here I am only on day 11 when I could be at over a year by now if I had only stuck with it. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but I DO want to make 2015 the year that I don’t leave wondering how much more I could have accomplished had I just honored my commitment to remain alcohol-free. I didn’t gain anything by drinking in 2014 except more anguish, more anxiety, and less self-confidence.
This is the year I honor my commitments. You can too! Happy 2015!