This is incredibly humiliating to write. I considered just carrying on, lying in my blog (how crazy is that, since this blog is for me?), lying to Belle, and just moving forward as though I didn’t have drinks last night. After being so convicted that this time was for real, I’m still in shock that it happened and I’m starting to understand how very fragile I am and that I need way more help than I’ve been asking for.
The events of yesterday have me at the point of surrender… somehow, some way, in the past few years, I’ve become an alcoholic. I don’t know what else to call this crazy disordered thinking, the fact that I’ve been at this for over a year and the longest stint I’ve strung together is 32 days, and the fact that each time I return to drinking it seems to be getting worse. In all my compulsive listening to the Bubble Hour podcasts, reading blogs and books, I recognize myself more and more, and my ability to somehow consider myself separate from everyone else is diminishing.
I’m an alcoholic, and I need help. I’ve never said those words before and just writing them makes me extremely uncomfortable and scared. But I am so scared about how easily I lapsed into drinking yesterday, how while I grappled with myself momentarily, I already knew I would lose, and by the time we got to the restaurant I was agitated that the server didn’t come soon enough to take our drink order. That despite telling myself I would only have one or two, I had three at the restaurant, then opened two more bottles at home and had at least five more glasses with my husband and roommate (who had maybe two glasses, three at the most) over a game of trivia. That at some point, I blacked out and have vague memories of lying on the bathroom floor and my husband dragging my sorry ass to bed at 8:00 p.m. That once I had the one glass, I was immediately irritated by how little it seemed and that I had to concentrate to slow my drinking down to an acceptable pace. That I found myself, once again, awake at 2:30 a.m., sweating and thirsty and in hell for the rest of the night. Swearing just like always that I would never let it happen again.
I’m so scared of what will happen if I don’t get this under control… that I’ll never be able to get pregnant, that I’ll get a DUI, that I’ll pick a fight with my husband and say something horrible and damaging. I can feel the wheels falling off of the business I’m trying to build this year… waves of sobriety accompanied by creativity, motivation, and being fully present, but interrupted by drinking days where I’m faking it, showing up half-assed, and doing the bare minimum. I quite certainly will never realize my potential should I continue to drink.
Trigger that “caused” me to drink last night? My husband saying how he could really go for a beer, and would I mind if he had one. I said no, then immediately Wolfie pounced on me, feeding me those familiar lies: “You’re overreacting.” “Why quit right before the holidays?” “Just wait until January 1st!” “You can just have one or two.” LIES!!! Why is it so hard to recognize that these scenarios have NOT WORKED in the past!
So it is this way, at this moment, that the one and only thing I have to feel proud of is that I am not lying. I am here writing my truth, in the hopes that if I keep trying, something will click. I feel compelled to try an AA meeting if only to have some face-to-face interaction, but I am absolutely TERRIFIED. Terrified that I’ll see someone who knows me. That I won’t relate to anyone. That I’ll CRY. That people will look at me.
Any advice on attending a first meeting would be most welcome. At this point, I would be stupid to think that blogging alone is enough, when it hasn’t been enough for a whole year. AA seems like the only option outside of spending loads of money we don’t have on a treatment center. And it seems like there must be something to having real life, in person interaction right?