Day 4 and in the midst of the witching hour. Had a minor panic attack earlier feeling like there is so much to do, so much on my plate, and I never seem to have enough hours in the day. I felt suffocated by the organizing that needs to be done around the house, the dishes that didn’t get all the way done, the load of laundry waiting to be folded, the messages to return, the Christmas cards I should have ordered and sent but haven’t. I found it difficult to breathe and I felt cranky and tense.
I’m not sure why, I think I have a longing to just hide away for a while, sleep, and get through these first few days in peace. But I feel like I can’t ask for that, that it sounds ridiculous because no one thinks I have an issue, or at least not one I can’t handle on my own. Asking for time, space or help seems impossible. So what I’m doing instead, is allowing myself sugar.
Yep, normally, I’m pretty restrained when it comes to sugar. I’ve almost completely cut it out of my diet. I am super into fitness and clean eating, but these past couple days all I want is cookies, brownies, you name it. It’s so weird! The past times I’ve tried quitting, I haven’t let myself give in because I didn’t want to trade the wine calories for sugar calories, but at this moment, all I can think about is comfort food. And I figure if it gets me through this early period and onto more solid ground, then what the hell. I know how to lose a few pounds when I need to. For now, this feels like a way to be gentle with myself. So I’m curled up in my sweats and a comforter, eating peanut butter chocolate chip cookies with a glass of unsweetened almond milk (oh, the irony!). And I’m okay with it. Previously I would see this as the ultimate failure, but right now it seems like progress.