Just for now.

In the time I’ve been on a hiatus from the blog, you can absolutely guess the cycle I’ve been in, because I’ve written about it countless times.  I read through all my entries today, to see where I was a year ago and remind myself that it’s been a YEAR that I’ve actively struggled to get this alcohol issue under control… which really says something about whether there’s a problem.

This whole dilemma in my mind about whether there’s a problem is really just Wolife I’ve decided, trying to convince me that there might not be.  The problem is the obsessive thinking, the cycle of guilt and remorse and craving and abandon, and back.  Just as Belle’s blog so accurately says, I’m tired of thinking about drinking.  Who gives a crap if I’m an alcoholic or meet some other label.  I am obviously, and quite simply, unable to be my best self when I’m actively drinking.  That seems to be enough to convince me to stop.  And whatever happens, it certainly can’t be worse to be sober than it’s been to start over so many times this past year.

So here I am again, on day 1, and going to bed snuggled up with my dogs and feeling a sense of trepidation and relief and fear and shame for having done this so many times, and hope.  But I am going to refrain from making grandiose promises to myself because it truly seems that those statements sabotage me every time.  So just right now, I am not drinking and I am struggling and still, I am glad to be here.  I am afraid of what will happen if I continue, and I think that fear has grown over the past year to a sufficient level that I’m more comfortable admitting to myself that there is a real problem.  Because I’ve been forgetting things, like way more things than ever.  And I’ve been hiding my drinking sometimes, and having to try so hard to slow down when I’m with other drinkers at dinner so that I’m not done with my first glass of wine in 5 minutes.  And the forgetting… it has gotten bad and it is the scariest part of all.  Not so much forgetting what happens after a night of drinking, but forgetting appointments, forgetting where I put things, what a friend and I talked about (during the day, sober)… regular, every day things.

I went to a therapist for my drinking problems, about 2 months ago.  And to my surprise (and temporary relief), she told me she didn’t think I was an alcoholic and although I was in a place where I should be mindful, she didn’t think I was out of control.  But she also didn’t question me about it all that thoroughly, and I was in a place where I was telling her what sounded reasonable… I told her about the nights I COULD have just a couple glasses, and how I could string a group of days together.  And just like that, she gave me her blessing to keep drinking.  When I left her office that day I cried and cried… I felt so scared, like I had gone to her for help and left with no plan or help to stop drinking, which is what I wanted.   Instead, she suggested I add ice cubes to my wine to slow down my consumption.  I felt alone.

I’m so grateful to have this space to come and to write, and to read what all of you have to say.  But I do feel I need human interaction with someone or some people who are like me… this time around I am so desperate for this to work that I think I just may try a meeting.  My only real wish is that I could have someone tell me where to go, which one to go to, so that I’d make sure not to run into anybody who might recognize me and one with people like me.  Ha.  I fancy myself not a “mess” like I imagine most people at meetings are.  I don’t smoke.  I have a nice house and a good career and a husband with a good career.  We know loads of people in our town.  I drive a nice car.  I have a law degree.  I am not like “them.”

I suppose if I keep up this elitist attitude all I’ve got to look forward to is another cycle of drinking though, since I can’t seem to do it on my own.  So as soon as I can work up the courage, I might give it a go.  For now, I’m going to focus on the now, and write a LOT, and keep focusing on the now, one minute at a time.

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6 thoughts on “Just for now.”

  1. You are being so brave and honest with yourself. Please give yourself credit for realizing something needs to change and it probably you. And the first step is examining your life and what to do and how to change. I will tell you giving up the wine was the best thing I have done for myself as a wife mother and friend. I am starting to come back to the person I was always meant to be. I’m not in AA but I am very familiar with it having a mother who was an alcoholic and is in recovery she will tell me some of the nicest people she has ever met are from AA. All walks of life and socioeconomic background from bikers to judges. They helped her when her husband passed away recently from cancer. Making sure she had food, checking in on her for support to keep her from turning to alcohol. Please look at what is available there are AA meetings for only females if you would find more comfort in this. But know you are not alone and something in you knows how to change just trust that and you will find the strength to do it.

    1. Thank you Lauren, I know it could be such a great thing to try AA, but every time I imagine myself walking in there for the first time I freak out. It’s so hard to picture myself actually doing it. But maybe I’ll get there. For now this blog is so helpful and I’m going to stay more present here. I appreciate your support so very much!!!

  2. I feel the same about the possibility of going to AA… I think it would be so great to meet people at a meeting but I worry that someone would know me, or that they wouldn’t be similar enough to me…?! Maybe one day I’ll pluck up the courage.
    I’m glad you’re back – keep going, we can do it!!! Xx

  3. Wow! I am so grateful I found you! Thank you! For the last year I have been forced into sobriety…my husband got sober and I am a work in progress or backsliding…not sure which…relapse is my middle name. I know I where I should be but am not happy about it at all. Missing drinking, missing the parties, hating life and feeling worthless. My husband is a changed man-on every level…I feel left behind and alone with my pain. I don’t want help but I want help. I’m not done drinking but I have to be for now. He is going to jail for a couple months in January and I am going to use that time to “get it out of my system”. I always believed that I was strong and nothing could phase me…but now confronted with having to stop drinking/using I realize how week I am. Our disease tortures us…it never reminds me of the bad times it only reminds me of the good times. Just when I am starting to like not drinking my disease starts whispering all kinds of crazy stuff in my ear. Recovery and the steps are truly my only option for s happy life but for now I am waiting until January to give it one more go.
    I am working on reading every one of your posts. I will be back 🙂 I love you and don’t even know you.

    1. I’m so glad you are finding my story helpful… If I can get on the other side of this thing, anyone can! We shall see. I’m trying to stay VERY present in each moment and remember all the positive things about sobriety rather than thinking about what I CAN’T do. It helps to remember how I feel in the mornings rather than the pull of the party. Trust me I get it. So much of my identity is being the party girl, the girl who can handle her alcohol, can hang with the guys, who is laid back and cool with whatever. It’s really interesting to be evolving toward a life of more balance and calm. But it IS better, I know that from all my stints of sobriety this past year. And at this point I know that if I keep drinking it can only get worse. Good luck to you and don’t be a stanger!

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