On again, off again

I keep going back and forth about this blog.  I’ll be so relieved it’s here when I need it, when I want to be sober.  Then when I “change my mind” and start to relax and let myself drink again, I feel like I should take it down.  That my drinking isn’t bad enough to justify this whole sober blog thing.  It’s quite confusing and I’m so tired of hearing my own voice about it, so I’m sure anyone who’s read this blog for a while feels a bit tired of it, too.

I have learned so much this past year, though.  I have had lots of periods of sobriety, more strung together days than I’ve ever had, and more times.  I’ve learned that I can get some sober time together.  I’ve learned how amazingly good it feels to sleep sober.  How productive I am.  How motivated to live life and be creative and follow my heart.  I’ve learned to breathe deeply and without anxiety caused by alcohol withdrawal during a bad hangover.  Slowly but surely, I’ve started to like life better without alcohol.

I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic.  I don’t think so, really.  I think I had a pretty serious emotional dependence on it and that my drinking was not to a place where I had it under complete control.  But each time I’ve drank again, I feel like that’s less and less true.  Like I dislike it more and more.  Like I recognize that ugly pull a bit sooner, and I’m more cautious.

I know this may not be the most popular approach and I’m certainly not suggesting that moderation is a good idea for most people who feel that they need a sober blog.  In fact I think moderation is dangerous for most of us.  And maybe, for me.  I’m still sorting that out.  But for now, I’m one week sober again and feeling pretty damn amazing.  I’m starting to feel like this is a positive choice, rather than a death sentence, and for me, that’s real progress.

I’m one week sober, and I’m heading to a movie, with a friend who is also not drinking for health reasons.  It feels great to head outside in the crisp, fall air, to go out without the stress of being around alcohol.  It feels like freedom.  Like I can’t wait to see a movie and wake up in time for yoga tomorrow.

That’s what life’s looking like right now.  Since my last blog, I’ve had sober days and drinking days.  No big incidents.  Less anxiety about it in general.  But also a deep realization that the drinking days were not worth the sluggish, lazy brain the next day, nor the setback to my fitness goals.  I never thought I’d start to feel this way, but I feel the slightest glimmer of hope that I may feel slightly… over it.  I realize this feeling probably won’t last at all.  But it’s nice that it’s there.  And I plan to feed it, this wolf who doesn’t like alcohol.  Hopefully he’ll grow big and strong.