Here I am again.

Here I am again writing about Day 1.  When, if I had listened to the alarm bells going off in my head last night, I should have done two important things:  Stayed home from going out to dinner with my husband and his friend, and written here in this blog from my cozy bed, safely hidden from temptation.  But I didn’t do those things.  And then the friend brought a bottle of wine to share.  And then.

Today would have been two weeks, and now it’s Day 1.  I have too many Day 1s to count at this point.  I’m ashamed to even be writing again here, since I had meant to get right back into blogging daily, and I certainly meant to respond to all of your wonderful, encouraging comments from last time, two weeks ago.  But there was something that kept me from opening my blog back up, for some reason.  I wrote, I recommitted, in fact I felt SO, very committed.  Yesterday we took our dog to a three week boarding school to help her overcome some issues (long story for another time), and I was so sad.  I was so worried she would feel abandoned.  When we left her there, she tried to follow us and then looked at me like, “Mom, I’m going with you, right?”  Okay I know what you’re thinking… she’s just a dog.  But she is a very special dog.  Quite emotional and attached to us.   We both teared up when we left her and I thought, damn, I need a glass of wine.

I knew!  I knew that I was in a different state of mind last night after that and that I should stay home and away from temptation.  I knew that I only have myself to rely on and that my willpower is shit when I feel I’m going to be missing out.  So I was both emotional and hungry.  Turns out that’s not such a good combo, as the “one or two” glasses of wine I planned on turned into seven or eight.  And a weird, icky, drunken misunderstanding with my husband.  And me on the couch.  And waking up at 2:00 a.m., sweaty, thirsty, achy, paranoid, full of regret, nauseated, short of breath… yeah.

All you people who have time under your belt?  I’m writing this for you.  Don’t come back here.  It’s not worth it.  I’m coming up on almost a year full of Day 1s.  I can’t believe that’s true, but it is.  If I had stuck with my original plan, I would be damn close to celebrating a sober birthday soon.  Instead, I’m suffering another day of endless, mind racing questions about whether I really have a problem.  HELLOOOO?!?!?!  No one who doesn’t have a problem spends a year unsuccessfully trying over and over again to quit.  Right?  Right.

All I can say is, every time I post here, I get such encouragement despite my failures, that I plan to stay more connected.  I am at the point where I’m really wondering if I need additional, person-to-person support as well.  Being anonymous makes it pretty easy to give up, you know?  Being in person would seem more real.  Yet the idea of AA turns me off so much.  Considering a therapist perhaps.  I don’t know.

In the meantime, I’ll be figuring it out right here, in writing.  First item on my to-do list:  stop lying to myself.

Despite today’s hell, it’s good to be back with my sober intentions and blogging than it would be to continue drinking.

xo

GOTL

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15 thoughts on “Here I am again.”

  1. Well done for posting here- very brave and not easy.

    This stuff is TOUGH. None of us would be here if alcohol weren’t so powerful.

    I’m not sure if you read my blog, but I was in a similar situation to you, and I took myself to AA (even though I was SO against the idea) and it’s worked. I haven’t drunk since. I’d say, just try it. I decided I’d give it a go, with no pressure on myself to return, and what I’ve found there has been invaluable. I NEVER EVER thought I’d be pro AA, but hey, I guess I never thought I’d have an alcohol problem either 🙂

    I post about it here: https://fitfatfood.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/my-first-aa-meeting/

    And here: https://fitfatfood.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/aa-my-first-chair/

    Try something different this time. Give yourself credit for all the trying you’ve been doing. This is so hard.

    1. Thanks, FFF!! I’ve read all about your AA stuff and it is fascinating for me. Maybe one day. I am terrified of knowing people — in my profession let’s just say plenty of my clients were court ordered into AA and I can’t imagine being in group with them… too much. But maybe if I went to an out of town group. Going to start with therapy and see how I go from there.

  2. ha ha I was going to say – do you read FFF’s blog? and she got in before me!

    glad you are here blogging. and second what FFF said about maybe trying something different. look forward to hearing more from you soon!

    1. I read both of your blogs and they’ve been so helpful to me! Thank you for commenting. So touched that those of you who have unknowingly helped me are here actually reading my stuff back. 🙂

  3. Hi GOTL,
    It might feel disappointing that you drank again yesterday but not drinking for 2 weeks does leave your body and mind in a better place then it would have been if you had been drinking. 🙂
    When I read your post I think where you go off the sober road is there were you think alcohol ‘does’ something for you, like make you feel better when you are sad. (sorry to say that it does, but only in small amounts, when more and more often it actually makes people sad, stressful, anxious AND unable to deal with it because it depletes the body of nutrients and corrupst the mind and spirit 😦 ) Looking back the book of Jason Vale ‘Kick the drink, easily’ has brought me much in terms of this thinking about how alcohol works. Allan Carr has a similar book. Getting and staying sober is way easier if you can recognise the traps that alcohol has laid.
    And now I myself need to start to kick of the thought that a book will help the world. 😉 But please do try it, it is very clear and easy to read.

    1. I have read them both, thank you! They are very good, I like the simple, honest way he explains how alcohol interferes with your happiness. And it makes complete sense, I mean, it’s exactly what I experience. But just have to keep strengthening my ability to stay in those hard moments.

      1. Ooooh, shiiiiit! Those were powerful tools to me. Sorry that they did not work AND sorry to have asumed that this would be a solution 😦 I really liked the ‘use knowlegde not will power approach’. I’m so excited about having quit so easily with these books and my nutrients aproach that I want to spread ‘the word’ but I have just learned from experience that this is NOT the way to go. 😦
        Pffffff and sigh, so much to learn :-(.
        But hey! We both started, you on the learn, I on the feeling so that is GOOD! 🙂 xx F.

      2. Oh, it’s not that they didn’t work really, I mean, I definitely learned from them and they are part of my process. Just didn’t work overnight I guess. So happy to hear they worked for you!!! We are all different in what works. I’m just a really stubborn person and unfortunately for me, it’s manifesting in a stubborn refusal to let go of what’s damaging me. But I am also stubborn enough to keep trying, so there’s that.

  4. I would have felt sad too about leaving the dog, but think how good this will be for her and you guys too. It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself and your drinking in the last year. I hope you’ll look into a therapist who specializes in alcohol issues. Maybe he/she can point you to some in-person support options in your area, like SMART or a good therapy group.

  5. I think that continuous abstinence is a very good thing, and I am succeeding at it now, finally. But I also think every day without a drink counts for something and so I applaud you for getting back in the saddle, so to speak. If trying to get sober is putting two weeks between your drinks, that’s a not bad thing, even if it’s not quite what you’re aiming for.

    1. Thank you for saying that. There is so much pressure to be on some advanced day… 60 days, 90 days even better, a year… it’s hard not to feel like such a failure when all I have is 32 days at my longest stretch. But each sober stretch teaches me so much. So my slips are getting shorter. This time it was only one night, which in and of itself was huge because usually one night turns into weeks before I come back.

  6. Oh, i know just how you feel! I spend 4 years relapsing! Got up to 9 months once too. Quitting drinking is hard! And many of us need a few starts. For me support ended up being crucial. Even calling/texting someone before taking a drink often destructed me enough not to drink it. And having like people by your side that know what you’re going through is hugs help and inspiration.

    Keep trying, don’t give up. YOU CAN DO THIS! Sending many hugs!

    1. Thanks! If nothing else, I do keep trying. Upping my support system this time by being a little more honest with my husband about just how agonized I feel. He has promised to have my back a little more and I know I can’t rely on him, but it helps to know that he gets it a little more.

  7. Hey there. I remember back to when you first started your blog. I had just started mine. I remember thinking to myself, “Holy crap-this girl is JUST like me. I gotta save this blog under my favorites.” Since then, I have truly enjoyed reading about your journey. I can understand your thought process, as it is SO MUCH like mine. Constantly arguing with yourself is exhausting. Please know that you always have support, here. If you ever need someone to email-I am always available. Stay strong-this crap is hard.

    -Annie

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