Here I am again writing about Day 1. When, if I had listened to the alarm bells going off in my head last night, I should have done two important things: Stayed home from going out to dinner with my husband and his friend, and written here in this blog from my cozy bed, safely hidden from temptation. But I didn’t do those things. And then the friend brought a bottle of wine to share. And then.
Today would have been two weeks, and now it’s Day 1. I have too many Day 1s to count at this point. I’m ashamed to even be writing again here, since I had meant to get right back into blogging daily, and I certainly meant to respond to all of your wonderful, encouraging comments from last time, two weeks ago. But there was something that kept me from opening my blog back up, for some reason. I wrote, I recommitted, in fact I felt SO, very committed. Yesterday we took our dog to a three week boarding school to help her overcome some issues (long story for another time), and I was so sad. I was so worried she would feel abandoned. When we left her there, she tried to follow us and then looked at me like, “Mom, I’m going with you, right?” Okay I know what you’re thinking… she’s just a dog. But she is a very special dog. Quite emotional and attached to us. We both teared up when we left her and I thought, damn, I need a glass of wine.
I knew! I knew that I was in a different state of mind last night after that and that I should stay home and away from temptation. I knew that I only have myself to rely on and that my willpower is shit when I feel I’m going to be missing out. So I was both emotional and hungry. Turns out that’s not such a good combo, as the “one or two” glasses of wine I planned on turned into seven or eight. And a weird, icky, drunken misunderstanding with my husband. And me on the couch. And waking up at 2:00 a.m., sweaty, thirsty, achy, paranoid, full of regret, nauseated, short of breath… yeah.
All you people who have time under your belt? I’m writing this for you. Don’t come back here. It’s not worth it. I’m coming up on almost a year full of Day 1s. I can’t believe that’s true, but it is. If I had stuck with my original plan, I would be damn close to celebrating a sober birthday soon. Instead, I’m suffering another day of endless, mind racing questions about whether I really have a problem. HELLOOOO?!?!?! No one who doesn’t have a problem spends a year unsuccessfully trying over and over again to quit. Right? Right.
All I can say is, every time I post here, I get such encouragement despite my failures, that I plan to stay more connected. I am at the point where I’m really wondering if I need additional, person-to-person support as well. Being anonymous makes it pretty easy to give up, you know? Being in person would seem more real. Yet the idea of AA turns me off so much. Considering a therapist perhaps. I don’t know.
In the meantime, I’ll be figuring it out right here, in writing. First item on my to-do list: stop lying to myself.
Despite today’s hell, it’s good to be back with my sober intentions and blogging than it would be to continue drinking.