I’ve been overloading myself to stay busy so that I could avoid writing this and recommitting. When I last wrote, I was starting again but I had to be in a wedding last weekend with some very good, old friends… in retrospect not the best time to dive back into trying to be sober. This is a heavy drinking group of friends and I almost can’t imagine spending time with them at a celebration without drinking. So, I drank. Despite my strategies to stay sober, the rehearsed scripts in my head, sparkling water at the ready… I just 100% flipped my switch the second I got into town to meet up with everyone, and ordered a glass of wine LITERALLY within the first half-hour of arriving.
It’s this kind of mental flip-flop that makes me feel like I’m crazy. Because it’s not like I feel pressured by others, or that I really don’t want to drink but feel obligated. It’s quite simply that I can change my mind, just like that, in an instant. And I don’t overanalyze it (hell, I don’t analyze it at all in the moment). I just seriously change my mind, figure I’ll be bored and won’t be able to celebrate properly, I crave the intimate moments with my old friends, to reminisce and get a little silly. I fear if I was sober I would totally miss out on all the fun! So I just give in completely, then am left to wonder where the hell that all comes from and how to stop it when I feel it coming on. How do we redirect our worst habits when in the moment, we lose touch completely with the side of us that wants to quit?
This is the first time I’ve felt what I would think of as addiction — that it steals your ability to think rationally and make a smart choice around a particular substance. If you lose the ability to make a wise choice when presented with an opportunity to drink, is that addiction? Because it sure feels tricky.
Don’t have much else to say except that today is Day 2 for me. Heading to bed and hoping to start to feel more like myself tomorrow.