This feels quite monumental indeed. Today is actually day 31… I wanted to actually make it all the way through the 30 days before posting for some reason. Despite being thrilled to be here at this accomplishment, yesterday I battled with the voice in my head saying, “isn’t this enough, then? You’ve proven yourself now, with 30 days, it’s a respectable number, just go on and finish that bottle of wine in the fridge, no one has to know!”
Lots of red flags in that wolfie voice, so I ignored it. But last night was one of my “challenge situations” as I like to call them. My husband was gone for the night since he had an early morning court appearance in another city, and I was home alone, relaxing. Having precious alone time is a rarity and something I cherish, and by cherish I used to mean I would open a nice bottle of wine and settle in with a good book or an addictive TV show and just let myself check out. Looking back, I can clearly see that a nice buzz quickly kills any feelings of loneliness or inadequacy I might feel and instead makes me feel like a successful, hard-working power career woman who is entitled to her sophisticated glass (ahem, bottle) of wine because she works her ass off the majority of the time. Recognizing that I was actually escaping those feelings has helped me sit with them instead. Before these efforts to kick the wine habit, I never surmised that I was “using” alcohol like they say in AA. I just love wine, that’s all! But it’s true, the drinking alone thing has its problems and I am so glad to be taking an honest look at this stuff now, however hard it is to admit.
The other thing that I always rolled my eyes at, and never grasped, was the one-day-at-a-time concept. But I have to admit, that concept really does help when I’m in a tough spot. I kept thinking that last night, when the wine from the fridge was calling my name. (Said wine is only in the fridge because we had a little dinner party on Saturday night, and served wine, and now there’s leftovers — I clear sign that I was not partaking, because I would not have left bottles of wine unfinished!!) But three things kept me going. Number one, when I had my phone call with Belle, she told me to email her first if I felt like drinking and see if she thought it was a good idea. Well, we know what Belle would say! And the thought of trying to come up with a valid reason to drink just caused me to see clearly that I had nothing good and it was all wolfie talking. Number two, the thought of starting over at day 1 was too depressing. If I played the movie till the end, I just saw my own disappointment in myself that I would inevitably feel and that was enough to keep me sane. Number three, I just told myself that I wouldn’t drink just for one more day, and if I still wanted to drink tomorrow I would. Now it’s tomorrow, and I don’t want to drink, and I’m so happy I didn’t drink yesterday!
Today I’m going in for a medical procedure to see if my tubes are open (my husband and I are trying to conceive, with no luck as of yet and it’s been over a year now… since I’m closing in on 37, it’s time to see what’s up and if we need additional intervention.) I’m nervous about this test and the idea of possible bad news. But at least I have a clear head!