So, yesterday I got some pretty bad news. I went in for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test to see if my tubes are open since we’ve been unable to conceive after trying for over a year now. I have a history of abdominal surgeries, having had my appendix out at age 19, a tumor (benign) removed from my right ovary, and a uterine fibroid removed a couple years ago. But, at the time of my last surgery my doctor had said everything should heal up fine and she didn’t foresee any problems.
Turns out my right ovary ended up basically dying off after the last surgery — just too much intervention they think. And ironically, the right tube is open but there’s no ovary, and the left ovary is healthy, but the left tube is blocked. So the bottom line is, there’s no way for me to naturally conceive a baby at this point, unless they can unblock the tube with surgery (another surgery!) and then we keep trying. (This has a pretty low success rate, not to mention I’m nearly 37 and don’t have lots of time.) Or, we can have IVF. I said I’d never do IVF, that it’s too invasive, too expensive, and that I didn’t want a baby bad enough to mess with nature like that. But now that we’re faced with that being the only choice, I’m not so sure.
The procedure yesterday was supposed to cause “moderate cramping,” but instead I felt like I was dying the pain was so bad, I went into shock and couldn’t feel my hands or feet and almost blacked out. They rushed me to the ER and finally got me stabilized, but I had terrible cramps the rest of the day and still don’t feel great. When I got home and told my husband I couldn’t stop crying. I know we still have options, it just feels different, like this isn’t the way I imagined it going. All I wanted to do yesterday was mourn this loss with some wine. After all, my head was saying, all this time I thought maybe my drinking was the problem with trying to conceive. And clearly, it has nothing to do with that at all!!! Green light!
Luckily my husband softly reminded me that he didn’t want me doing anything that would make me feel worse about myself later. He told me he loved me no matter what. He stayed home from work so he could be there if I needed something and he let me lay on the couch and soak up endless episodes of Nashville. He went out and got me a huge salad and some ice cream to wallow in instead.
Still sober. Coping mechanisms: crying, girly TV shows, ice cream, popcorn, allowing myself to lounge around and feel so that I can get it out of my system. Maybe some yoga in a little while. The husband was right — have to choose things that will restore me right now instead of damage me further.