All these feelings coming up in the past couple days about my self worth or lack thereof. I always thought I had just fine self esteem when I was drinking, but I’ve noticed little things that make me so very uncomfortable in the past few days and it’s hard to sit with them.
For one, my parents gave me DVDs they made of old footage from our family back in 1991. When I was 13 and my brother was 10. It was bittersweet to watch my brother as a happy child, since he is hopelessly lost in his addiction to meth and alcohol at the moment. But watching myself brought up some crazy feelings of self judgment… I was a bit chubby, with braces and a perm, I was a bit obnoxious and, well, awkward in the truest sense of the word, but also so innocent. But I realized, watching myself from that age, that it was around that time I began to devalue myself because I didn’t feel pretty enough, likable enough, or cool enough. It was a weird feeling that stuck with me all day. I just kept finding myself feeling more disappointed in myself. In yoga class I saw myself in the mirror and was mortified by how thick I looked. I felt sure everyone was thinking that I didn’t look like a yogi (I know how ridiculous that sounds but it was a visceral feeling I couldn’t shake!). Later in an argument with my husband (a rare occurrence), he said something about my decision to leave my job that sounded like disgust or disappointment, or like I had no plan even though we’ve gone over the plan several times and he’s expressed support the whole time. I took this as a big slap in the face, like he has no faith in my ability or willingness to follow through with the plan and do even more by helping him with his business. Immediately I went to deep feelings of worthlessness and realized that I only feel worthy if I’m the one achieving the most, in charge of the house, the finances, etc. I already struggle with these feelings and it hurts like hell to hear them coming from my husband.
But I have to also realize that my feelings of worthlessness are mine, they did not come from him, if anything he wants me to be happy and he’s just worried about how he’ll cover everything. My work right now has to be recovering my own self worth so that I can make sure and follow through with the goals I’ve set for myself. If I stay sober, I will be able to follow through, and if I don’t stay sober, there is a real chance I could screw up this opportunity I’ve carved out for myself. So! That is some serious motivation to take sobriety seriously. For now, I’m just glad I got through an ugly argument without drinking and that I can sleep, and wake up sober to tomorrow, which will be day 25. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning… That’s how it seems to go here in sober land anyway…


2 thoughts on “Self-worth”

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