Day 2. Slow (re)start.

Today I am STILL suffering from this dreadful cold.  Started on antibiotics so hopefully the end is in sight.  Feel generally lousy, from a combination of coughing, sinus headache, and lingering anxiety about my drinking over the weekend and starting all the way over.  

On the upside, I don’t feel like drinking.  At least not right now in this moment.  And that’s a relief, because dealing with a huge craving on top of all this would probably push me over the edge.  I know I learned some valuable lessons during the weekend, and maybe it needed to go that way, but I’m still bummed.  And scared.  I guess I didn’t realize how easily I could slip up.  I keep thinking about how simply I let go of the progress I made.  That in that moment, I didn’t even argue with myself.  That I just changed my mind, just like that.  

How do I prevent this from happening in the future?  What if I decide to change my mind again?  How is it that I’m so flippant, that I’d just give up like that?  Going down this road leads inevitably to questions like, “Why am I bothering with this anyway?” and “Why am I making this into a problem?” and “You are such a drama queen, always overreacting…” to which the natural response is to quit overreacting by drinking.  I know, right?  Tricky!!  And easy.  And then, of course, the “failure” of drinking this weekend led me through a round of thoughts like, “I’m just not good enough to finish that,” “Might as well abandon the blog thing, now that I’ve blown it,” etc.  

All.  That.  Noise!!  Not to say I didn’t think a lot during my 27 days of sobriety.  The thinking was exhausting.  But here’s what was different:  I wasn’t thinking nearly as many negative thoughts about myself.  In fact, despite reliving some painful memories from the past in the interest of being honest with myself, I was thinking pretty positively overall.  I was proud.  I was pretty calm (moments of cravings aside).  I wasn’t berating myself inside.  I felt confident.  I felt worth it.  

My “aha” moment of the day is that alcohol causes me to think poorly of myself.  I’m not sure if it’s physiological, or if it comes from my past, or if it’s that I’m letting myself down, or all of the above.  But I certainly don’t need that in my life anymore.  No sip of wine is worth all that noise.  

It’s only day 2 and I can’t wait to be back on day 27 and pick up where I left off.  It seems like forever from now.  But I’m glad I’m here, and that I’m writing, and I have a better idea now what I have to look forward to.  

 

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2 thoughts on “Day 2. Slow (re)start.”

  1. Sorry, this is a bit jumbled, it’s my bedtime.

    Alcohol blues, friend. Totally got those. Anxiety, feeling worse about myself. Yuck. Also, I totally get that feeling of having let go of progress. Would it help to think of progressing in your journey instead of losing progress (boy, the English language is fun!)? It’s ok that you’re bummed, and scared. You’re still here, right? “Tired of Thinking about Drinking”, Belle’s blog, has good tips and a saying that I think is “Stay Here.” Oh, and can I tell you a secret? You know what that little stupid fucking voice said to me? “60 days! You’re GREAT! You should celebrate with beer! Lots of buzzy floaty put you on a cloud BEER!” Uh, what? Makes no sense, voice in head. Coming down off that high always made me feel shitty about myself. And tired. Go. Away.

    In all the whirlygig-ness of life, just staying right here, can help – like you said, you’re glad you’re here. We are too. 🙂

    1. I am doing Belle’s challenge (starting over) and I ordered the bracelet from her with “stay here” engraved on the inside. It arrived yesterday…on my day one. I am not taking it off. 🙂

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