Today I am STILL suffering from this dreadful cold. Started on antibiotics so hopefully the end is in sight. Feel generally lousy, from a combination of coughing, sinus headache, and lingering anxiety about my drinking over the weekend and starting all the way over.
On the upside, I don’t feel like drinking. At least not right now in this moment. And that’s a relief, because dealing with a huge craving on top of all this would probably push me over the edge. I know I learned some valuable lessons during the weekend, and maybe it needed to go that way, but I’m still bummed. And scared. I guess I didn’t realize how easily I could slip up. I keep thinking about how simply I let go of the progress I made. That in that moment, I didn’t even argue with myself. That I just changed my mind, just like that.
How do I prevent this from happening in the future? What if I decide to change my mind again? How is it that I’m so flippant, that I’d just give up like that? Going down this road leads inevitably to questions like, “Why am I bothering with this anyway?” and “Why am I making this into a problem?” and “You are such a drama queen, always overreacting…” to which the natural response is to quit overreacting by drinking. I know, right? Tricky!! And easy. And then, of course, the “failure” of drinking this weekend led me through a round of thoughts like, “I’m just not good enough to finish that,” “Might as well abandon the blog thing, now that I’ve blown it,” etc.
All. That. Noise!! Not to say I didn’t think a lot during my 27 days of sobriety. The thinking was exhausting. But here’s what was different: I wasn’t thinking nearly as many negative thoughts about myself. In fact, despite reliving some painful memories from the past in the interest of being honest with myself, I was thinking pretty positively overall. I was proud. I was pretty calm (moments of cravings aside). I wasn’t berating myself inside. I felt confident. I felt worth it.
My “aha” moment of the day is that alcohol causes me to think poorly of myself. I’m not sure if it’s physiological, or if it comes from my past, or if it’s that I’m letting myself down, or all of the above. But I certainly don’t need that in my life anymore. No sip of wine is worth all that noise.
It’s only day 2 and I can’t wait to be back on day 27 and pick up where I left off. It seems like forever from now. But I’m glad I’m here, and that I’m writing, and I have a better idea now what I have to look forward to.