Ok, so I’m a little nervous about getting to tomorrow, day 24, and beyond. 24 days is my previous record and I can see why. There are lots of reasons that this time is much different, but I can still feel the itch coming on. Like, wow, go me! I’ve been so good for three whole weeks!!! So, wait, what’s the problem again? (Refer to last post wherein a few of my worst moments were revisited.) I definitely have that voice inside of me piping up. Telling me that this simply isn’t fair. It’s obviously the wrong time of year to take this on! Start again with the new year like a “normal” person!
But I’m going to close my ears to that voice. Lalalalalala voice, I can’t hear you. I’m cooking, I have the music up, and I’m drinking… a nice cup of tea. 🙂 And surprisingly, cooking while dancing around the kitchen a bit feels just as nice as it used to with a glass of wine. I think. It’s taking some getting used to but I am starting to realize that I still enjoy all the regular stuff I used to do, without the wine. It’s just… different.
One thing I love about this journey is that no matter what I’m up to, I know that I could still use the rest of the day any way I feel like using it. For example, let’s say it’s a Saturday and I’m going to lunch with an old friend. Hello, obviously I’d swig down at least two drinks with lunch! Well then, no chance for an evening run. The rest of the day would automatically be shot for doing anything useful or productive, and I’d just write it off and probably keep drinking through the evening. If I didn’t run before lunch (which chances are I wouldn’t, since I’d probably be hung over from Friday), then I just wouldn’t go at all. Now, even if I have a brunch, a baby shower, lunch with friends, or whatever, I know I can still work out afterward since I’m not drinking. Or I know I can still do laundry when I get home. Or anything! There is definitely a freedom in realizing that my time is ALL available to me! I don’t have to write off whole days to being hungover, or whole evenings to drinking!
I’m constantly thinking about this not-drinking decision, which I have to say is getting a little exhausting. It’s a lot to process. And I keep feeling like I have to make a decision right now, today, this minute, to decide about forever. So I’m going to consciously set that thought aside for now and quit putting pressure on myself. I’m committed to this 100 days, but even that seems like a lot so I’m really trying to just think about each day as it comes. Guess that philosophy of AA is useful to me.
This Friday our office holiday party is at our house. I’m nervous about it, not really because of the not drinking (although I know that will be an issue) but because I’m fairly young to be the hostess. Usually the party is held at one of our senior attorney’s homes because they have larger places. My place is fairly modest and small to fit the 50-75 people we expect. I’m no Martha Stewart and I’m a little freaked out that it won’t be decorated right, that people will feel crowded, etc. Normally this kind of thing is MUCH easier to handle with a few glasses of wine in my system. So I’m gearing up for a challenge. But the good part about this week of getting ready is that I have the energy in the evenings to actually do stuff like clean/decorate/prepare.
Feeling fairly positive today. Really, really, want a glass of wine and miss it. But it’s not unbearable. I know there’s a good reason for this. Every day that I stick with it I have more confidence, both in my ability to do this and just in general. Nothing eats your confidence like post-drinking anxiety, and that, I don’t miss.
So day 24 I’m ready for you, and I’m going to pass you by just fine. Here’s to record breaking.