Things I learned today:
(1) Getting off work on a Friday is a huge trigger. In my post-work relief, there is NOTHING I’d rather do than meet up with friends for a glass of wine. Or at least, I have yet to learn what else I’m supposed to want to do. Today I had to literally grit my teeth, cry, pray, and make deals with myself not to do what I wanted to do. I seriously questioned my decision to do 100 days. The voice in my head is all like, “Really? You are really doing this? This isn’t some sort of joke? You’ve done this long enough. You proved yourself. Quit overreacting and just give yourself a break.”
(2) In order to do this, I’m going to have to get real. Which means, I’m going to have to remind myself why I’m here in the first place. Which means coming clean and reminding myself of some of the messes I’ve created as a result of alcohol.
(3) That in order to do #2, I had to revise this blog a bit. For one, I have to do this anonymously. Only a few of you saw the original version with my photos on it, so I figure if I switch it up now, I’m good to go. Depending how this all goes I might be ready to own up to my issues with my name out there, but for now I know that I’ll be more honest and real here if I’m not worried about colleagues/friends/family finding this site.
(4) That I feel really isolated in this thing. The thought of AA puts me off (personally — nothing at all bad to say about it but I can’t buy into the “disease” and “powerless” aspects) but I’m also finding myself wishing I had more sober friends to talk to about what I’m experiencing. Turns out, almost every single one of my closest friends are pretty heavy drinkers. No one would ever suspect me of having a drinking problem. I didn’t get wasted in public (at least not very often and even then, I always held it together pretty well until I was home). The problem rests with me and how I feel after drinking. With the extra drinks I would sneak in before and after going out. With my awareness that I started to drink faster and more than even my friends. With my concerns for the way I’ve treated myself over the years. With my health. And with the way alcohol has chipped away at my self-esteem. I anticipate that most of my friends, if I told them what was going on, would think I was overreacting, being dramatic, and/or they would “reassure” me that I really don’t have an issue (this is not helpful to my resolve). So, I really need to do this, to have an outlet and sources of support outside of my usual circle of friends.
And something else I kept thinking about today: How much friends who are still drinking will tell you that you don’t have a problem, in an attempt to make you feel better about yourself and return to drinking. I think this particularly bothers me because I was totally that person, and now I fear it being directed at me. When friends of mine have questioned their drinking in the past, I remember literally rolling my eyes. Telling them they were overreacting. Even talking about them with other drinking friends about how they were being uptight, reactionary, boring, high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou… oh yeah. I’m ashamed to admit that I couldn’t stand the thought of even having to hang out with a bunch of non-drinkers. It’s actually painful for me to write this and realize this. Even now as I’m writing, I’m thinking how fearful I am that I will be that person who others are annoyed by. That I will be the person I used to roll my eyes at. That I’ll be looked at as totally boring, a priss, stuck-up, and no fun. It sounds so lame but it’s a serious fear and I’m feeling it pretty hard on this Friday night. The last thing I want to have to do is justify my decision to friends. Yet in a way, I do feel this need to tell my story, even if only in writing, even if no one reads it, just to get it out. To prove to myself that I’m making the right decision. To strengthen my resolve.
For tonight, I think the only solution is to get in bed and try to sleep this day away. Mornings are my favorite part of this journey so I’m trying to stay focused on how grateful I’ll be tomorrow if I do not give in. I’ll try not to worry so much about what others might think of me at some unknown time in the future. Because why do I care so much anyway?
Guess that’s something I’ll have to dig into.