Day 16 and getting hit from all sides

Ok.  I have not had a glass of wine.  And I am crawling out of my skin.  So I’m going to write instead.  And make some tea.  And try to just get my brain to shut the hell up.

Today started out great.  I woke up early and got to work ahead of time.  I completed some projects I had to finish before my court appearances.  So far, so good.  I felt proud of myself for being on day 16 and not really thinking about drinking.  Well, thinking about it, but only in the sense of, I’m so glad I’m actually doing this and feeling good!!

When I came home for lunch I spent some time with my dog, ate some leftovers, and kept my eye on my phone because my best friend has been in labor all day and is about to bring a baby girl into this world!!  I am worried about her because it’s been a long day of laboring and she still has hours to go.  She will be fine, but it has me on edge a bit.

Around lunch my mood went from great to not so great.  For no real reason that I could pinpoint other than a sense of restlessness.  I mean, let’s talk a minute about this newly sober thing.  It’s causing me to think a lot about how I’m going to stay occupied.  And I’ve noticed I feel this compulsion to fill every minute.  Anyone with me here?  To suddenly relocate all my creative impulses and act on them, to have a project going at all times.  And I wonder, is this part of why I enjoy drinking so much?  To quiet that part of me that is driven to be achieving a goal with every spare minute?  Relaxing without drinking wine is a totally foreign concept to me.  Like, what’s the point of “relaxing” if I’m not socializing with a glass of wine?  I can’t just sit around wasting time, right?  I have work to do!  Laundry!  Dishes!  A new crocheting project!  Emails to answer!  Drawers to organize!  With a glass of wine, this obsessive need to be productive just melts away.  I can enjoy sitting.  Relaxing.  It’s the only way I’ve known how to relax for years.  And at this moment, I am looking back on that kind of relaxation with a whole lot of nostalgia.  And fear.  What if I don’t get to do that again???

I’m trying to focus on the big picture, to remember that ultimately, I pay for that moment with a lot of extra anxiety the next day.  And let’s be real, hanging out at home watching TV with three big glasses of wine is a HUGE waste of time!!  I just don’t notice the waste when I have a nice wine fuzz.  But right now that’s hard to remember.  Especially now.  Because we just had to rush our dog, Sunday, to the emergency vet because she was acting funny, salivating, trying to throw up but nothing coming out even though her belly has food in it.  We feared bloat and rushed her in.  Now she’s staying overnight to be monitored, and we had to fork out $1,100 already, just for the overnight stay and the fluids and x-rays!  Not the kind of financial stress one needs with Christmas approaching.  Not to mention the anxiety caused by the worry for her, all alone and scared in the hospital without us, feeling sick.  😦  It’s almost more than I can bear.  When we left her, we went to get sushi and I wanted a glass of sauvignon blanc.  Bad.  I tried to settle for hot tea, only they didn’t have any decaf tea.  Grrrrr.  So, I had a glass of water.  And I apologized for my bitchy face to the server who told me there was no decaf tea.  Blamed it on my fear about our dog who’s at the emergency and was immediately forgiven.

I am not going to drink because drinking will not help.  But hot tea will.  I think  And so will writing.  So here I am.  Getting hit from all sides and coping.  And tomorrow will be better for it.

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2 thoughts on “Day 16 and getting hit from all sides”

  1. Your Day 16 feelings sound a LOT like mine did, even though your specific circumstances are different. I’m also a type A achiever with a high-pressure job, and it was so hard for me to not have wine as my off-switch. I’m a big reader, yet for the first few weeks I couldn’t even really focus on that–I basically just rattled around my house fidgeting and puttering and convinced I’d never be able to enjoy free time ever again. 🙂 Well, from the vantage point of Day 160 I PROMISE you that will change and you’ll begin to enjoy that open yet clearheaded time and being able to spend it productively at some times and unproductively at others. Swear to God.

    I also think you should give yourself huge credit for not drinking in a really stressful situation! My dog spent a couple of days in the hospital last year for what turned out to be a bad bout of gastroenteritis, and I was a wreck until we’d figured out what was going on and gotten him on the mend. If I’d been on my 16 day sober, I’m not sure I could have been as strong as you, or kept the long view (that drinking won’t help–and you’re right, it won’t) in mind so well. This early in sobriety, the simple fact of just NOT DRINKING is something to be celebrated, even for us high achievers. 🙂 And especially when you’re upset about something. I say go buy yourself a nice present, girl! And hang in there, you’ll be glad you did. 🙂

    Kristi

    1. Kristi,

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond! My first comment on this blog. 🙂 So nice to know I’m not alone, and also super encouraging to hear that it will get better. I sort of know it will, but in the past couple of days I’ve definitely doubted the “need” to do this. That voice in my head that says, come on, you’re just overreacting, you’ve gone 17 days, you are obviously fine… but I am determined to get further, to see what’s on the other side of this, to live differently even if only for this 100 day commitment.
      Look forward to reading your blog :):)
      Rachel

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